99+ The Office Quotes, That Will Make You Laugh

99+ The Office Quotes, That Will Make You Laugh

The Office is an American television sitcom which has been airing since March 24, 20-5 on NBC until May 16, 2013.

The Office lasts for nine seasons which adapt from the original BBC series.

The series tells about the daily lives of employees of the office in Scranton, a branch of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

During his trip, The Office managed to air with 201 episodes even without direct audience involvement and backsounds of laughing sounds.

The series initially introduced Rainn Wilson, Steve Carell, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer and BJ Novak as the main players.

But throughout the 9 seasons that this TV series went through, it turned out that there were a lot of changes in players.

Some of the other stars mentioned above also included Ed Helms, James Spader, Craig Robinson, Ellie Kemper and Mindy Kaling who were equally popular.

Although it had been criticized for the decline in the quality of the film series, it turned out that the sitcom was still looking forward to coming back.

So it’s not surprising if many are looking for quotes or quotes about The Office.

Best Quotes From The Office

Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute is a character played by Rainn Wilson who plays a high ranking salesperson and is an assistant manager at the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

He is also the owner of a bed and breakfast place at Schrute Farms, owns a plantation and owns a plant business.

He has shortcomings in terms of skills and healthy needs.

Sometimes Dwight Schrute also rose to become a Branch Manager from the Scranton branch.

His partner is Angela and has competition with Jim Halpert.

Here Dwight also served as vice president of the development of a Special project for the Saber Corporation before finally being replaced by Todd Packer.

In the last spring, Dwight was offered to be a Regional Manager.

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Here are some quotes from Dwight Schrute:

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I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. – Dwight Schrute

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I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.

Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms. – Dwight Schrute

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Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. – Dwight Schrute

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I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. – Dwight Schrute

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Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

R is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called murder and not muckduck.

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last! – Dwight Schrute

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I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this…Maybe they have something against living forever. – Dwight Schrute

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As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of it’s misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.

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I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther. – Dwight Schrute

And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s*x in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

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Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. – Dwight Schrute

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention. – Dwight Schrute

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No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. – Dwight Schrute

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly…I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. – Dwight Schrute

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. – Dwight Schrute

Creed Bratton Quotes from the Office

This is a fictional character from the The Office series played by the actor of the same name, Credd Bratton.

Credd was told as a homeless man who worked at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company as director of quality assurance and had very bad memories.

Credd never did actual work while working in the office, but sometimes he took extreme steps to ensure his work was safe.

His character is quiet and always doubtful about what he does.

Unfortunately not exactly how Credd’s life is outside the office.

It’s just said that he would do any work provided he would not become homeless again.

Here are some quotes from Credd Bratton:

Well you know what Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.

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Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, two nipples, a butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Lochness Monster, and the reward for its capture…all the riches in Scotland.

I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

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Did one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma. ‘Cause I don’t. If this gets out, they won’t let me scuba. And if I can’t scuba, what am I working toward?

Guys, I’m starting to think Pam’s not even pregnant.

Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today….Oh my god.

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Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Oh, you’re payin’ way too much for your worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?

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Hey, brah. I’ve been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave.

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I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.

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The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive… like I did when I was a homeless man.

 It’s Halloween. That is really, really good timing.

Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Do you want to see a foot with four toes?

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If my parents see this, I am toast.

Something’s up. That paper shouldn’t have been delivered.

The Taliban is the worst…great heroin though.

Who wasn’t there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.

A beautiful morning at Dunder Mifflin, or like a like to call it, Great Bratton.

Kevin Malone Quotes The Office

Kevin Malone is also one of the characters in The Office series, played by Brian Baumgartner.

Kevin has communication skills, has an interest in music and is overweight.

In this series, Kevin works in the Accounting Department at Dunder Mifflin Scranton with two other accountants, Oscar Martinez and Angela Martin.

Many viewers considered this character to be their reason to watch The Office series.

It is said that Kevin is of Irish descent and did not grow around Scranton.

Kevin has a fiance named Stacey who already has a daughter named Abby.

Stacey herself is the fourth woman invited by Kencen and the first to receive it.

Here are some excerpts from Kevin Malone in The Office series:

Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.

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I’m supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old, has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It’s a very serious situation.

Do you like it as much as you like men’s butts

Oh well. If they aren’t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they”d be good together. Like PB & J… Pam Beesly and Jim! What a waste! What. A. Waste.

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I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted

Oh no, it’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage.

I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number.

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I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I have very little patience for stupidity.

The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.

I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.

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The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters

You had me at ‘sex’.

I want to be wine and dined and sixty nined.

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Cause I’m free, literally forever.

Good, I watched TV for 14 hours.

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Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

This is a documentary? Oh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.

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The Office Michael Scott Quotes

This character is played by David Brent who is the main character in the Office series and acts as the Scranton Branch Regional Manager for season 1 to 7.

But he had to leave his position at Dunder Mifflin temporarily and form his own paper company with Ryan and Pam.

Michael himself claims he is a descendant from England, Germany, Scotland and Ireland.

His career in this series began in the 1990s where he applied as a salesman.

The quality of his good work makes Michael able to weigh quickly.

The disadvantage of Michael’s character is that he does not have feelings and does not understand social norms.

The following are excerpts from Michael Scott:

I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!

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Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information. (We’re pretty sure it works the exact opposite, but that’s just us.)

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

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About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

Would I rather be feared or loved? That’s easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

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Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. (I wouldn’t tell them to sue you, because we’re pretty sure they will.)

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.

Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.

They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.

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No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.

I say dance, they say ‘How high?’

The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.

An office is not for dying. An office is a place for living life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true. (Or possibly where people force them to go to earn paychecks… one or the other.)

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I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.

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Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.’

I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and have worms. (Don’t worry, there is medication for that.)

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

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Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.

Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family.

And I’m optimistic because everyday I get a little more desperate.

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Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.

There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.

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Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.

I’m not superstitious. But I’m a little stitious.

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’

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There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love.

Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

Stanley Hudson Quotes From The Office

Stanley Hudson is a character who plays the role of sales representative for distributors in Dunder Mifflin.

His character is a hardworking person, serious but unfortunately he is really angry.

He has the nature that is not easily satisfied with the work of others, even including the work of Michael Scott as his boss.

Often he hid his disrespect for Michael so that it became his own joke because of the attitude of Stanley.

Once in a series of season The Office, Stanley used a wheel lock to destroy Michael’s car because it had exposed Stanley’s affair at the office.

Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.

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I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.

I know Santa ain’t black. I could care less.

Why don’t you mind your business.

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Sardonic humor is just my way of relating to the world.

I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave

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It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

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If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.

I wasn’t really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? (laughs) Sometimes I say crazy things.

This is pretzel day.

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Did I stutter?

Newsflash: You are not special.

I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.

We get to go home!

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Florida Stanley smiles, Florida Stanley is happy to go to work, Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.

Jim Halpert Quotes The Office

In The Office series, Jim Halpert was introduced as a sales representative in the Scranton branch.

His character is a smart and very polite man towards Michael and has a romantic interest in Pam Beesly as the receptionist.

Although he was the mortal enemy of Dwight, it turned out that he had some similarities with his enemy as they liked comic books.

Jim Halpert’s character is more focused on his relationship with Pam Beesly who is often the subject of office speculation.

Here are some quotes from Jim Halpert:

I’ve never been a kiss up. It’s just not how I operate. I mean I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly.

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I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we needed a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B. And Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

I did not love the dialogue or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

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Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, which was just to wait. For a really long time that’s all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that I was waiting for my wife.

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Tomorrow I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had.

Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?

Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

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I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before… try.

I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us.

I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or…and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.

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For a really long time that’s all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think, even then I knew, I was waiting for my wife.

There’s this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there’s an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a… phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it’ll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

The Office Best Moments (ALL SEASONS)

The Office Meme

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